it's coming back.

i thought i dodged it. i can't lose it.

the hurt is coming back. how do you get over a heartbreak? how do you stop waiting? how do you curb the senseless and irrelevant expectations?

will trying to remove the physical proof of your used-to-be togetherness ease the pain? will trying to avoid contact relieve the rejection? will trying to move on pacify the hurt, denial and apprehension? will hoping bring the good times back? or will this just crush me to even smaller and irreparable bits?

i keep faking strength and smiles.

God must be so confused wiith me by now. i keep praying for contradicting things. one morning, it's for him to come back. the next morning, it's for him to be happy. then, the next morning, it's for my strength of will and acceptance. still, the next, it's for whatever His will is. then silently adding that i hope His will is for him to come back.